The Blog is Dead...

...Long live the blog.

It was fun while it lasted, but I decided to start something up that might actually pay the bills someday:

The Offbeat Path

Read about strange and unusual people and places -- Oddball, paranormal, or just plain weird. New articles released every other Sunday, plus other stuff that didn't make the cut.

Scooby-Doo: Who Are You?

Okay guys 'n' gals, here's a little test to see what Scooby-Doo character you are. Don't give me any bullshit about Scooby-Doo not influencing you to be a ghost hunter, it has been scientifically proven beyond a doubt that all ghost hunters are Scooby-Doo fans. You're a liar if you deny it.

So grab a piece of paper (yes, this is a low-tech test -- no fancy-schmancy javascript here, my friends) and keep track of your answers. Answer each question honestly! Don't try to base your answers on who you want to be -- we all know that everyone wants to be Shaggy and no one wants to be Fred, but I spent a lot of time coming up with this test. So don't fuck with me.

1) If most of the members leave my group, I will probably:
a. Stay with the group no matter what.
b. Stay with the group for a little while, then leave.
c. Leave the group, but come back in a little while.
d. Leave the group, but come back in a long while.
e. Leave the group and never come back.

2) When investigating a house, my favorite place to hang out is:
a. The kitchen
b. The study
c. The bathroom
d. The bedroom
e. Wherever the ghosts are

3) When paranormal activity occurs, I:
a. Try to do my job, even though I'm scared shitless.
b. Ignore it while I check the readings on my equipment.
c. Hang out and do my thing without getting in anyone's way.
d. Make sure that everyone is okay, and that they're doing what they're supposed to.
e. Challenge the ghost to show itself, and if it does, approach it.

4) I like ghost hunting because it's a great way to:
a. Hang out with my friends.
b. Learn about the paranormal.
c. Meet people.
d. Meet members of the opposite sex.
e. See a ghost.

5) When choosing a partner for an investigation, I:
a. Always choose my best friend.
b. Don't have a preference who I investigate with.
c. Choose only members of the opposite sex.
d. Choose only the hottest member of the opposite sex.
e. Tag along with whoever will tolerate me.

6) My greatest strength as a ghost hunter is my:
a. Loyalty
b. Knowledge
c. Composure
d. Leadership
e. Enthusiasm

7) My greatest weakness as a ghost hunter is:
a. Under-skepticism.
b. A physical limitation.
c. Lack of initiative.
d. Over-skepticism.
e. Sometimes being a little too enthusiastic.

8) The number one rule of ghost hunting is:
a. Don't take unnecessary chances.
b. Always research the location thoroughly.
c. Never go anywhere alone.
d. Always have a thorough plan for your investigation.
e. Getting evidence is what's important. Everything else is secondary.

9) Of the following, the most important piece of gear to take on an investigation is:
a. A flashlight.
b. A laptop.
c. A camera.
d. A first aid kit.
e. Myself.

10) If I were a type of haunting, I would be:
a. A poltergeist.
b. An intelligent entity.
c. A residual haunting.
d. Screwed.
e. A demonic entity.

Okay, now tally up all of your "A" answers, all of your "B" answers, etc. and see what you have the most of -- that tells what character you are.

If you have a tie, then you're in luck -- you can choose either one of the two. Or you can be even luckier -- you're none of them. You can even be Scooby-Dum if you want, which would still put you a step ahead of the rest of the poor, suffering bastards who took this test.

A. YOU ARE: Shaggy & Scooby

You are bestest buddies of one mind and one soul. A better way to say it would be to call you a "couple", but that's too twisted for even me to contemplate. There's no doubt that you're a stoner, always noshing on hash brownies like you do (you're not fooling anyone with that "Scooby Snack" bullshit -- we know what they are), and one day it's going to catch up with you. If it wasn't for the rest of the gang paying your bills and supporting your habit, you'd be on a street corner giving blowjobs for pocket change.

Maybe one day you'll go into rehab, and when it's over you'll realize that your best friend (and possible lover) is a fucking dog.

B. YOU ARE: Velma

There's no doubt that you're uglier than dog shit, and the fact that even a strung-out canophile like Shaggy won't screw you is proof of that. And don't even think about Fred -- you're not his type (more on that later). You try to make yourself look hot by wearing the shortest skirt you can find, but then you fuck it all up by wearing those socks that go halfway up to your crotch. So much for genius.

Yeah, you are smart. And that's why the rest of the gang keeps you around. You're the one who is always coming up with the plans and putting all the clues together, but you're always letting Fred and the others take the credit for it in your pathetic attempt to get your hands on Fred's love-meat. If you were half as smart as you think you are, you would have already figured out that that Fred isn't interested, and even Shaggy and Scooby are "unavailable"... take my advice: cut your losses and hook up with Daphne.

C. YOU ARE: Daphne

If anyone needs to get on with their life, it's you. It's obvious that you're not really into this whole "mystery solving" thing. You take no initiative, and you don't pay attention to what you're doing -- if you were, then you wouldn't be captured and held hostage all the time. I've heard rumors that the rest of the gang is thinking about booting you from the group -- you're too much trouble for too little in return.

We know that you're not into Fred, even though you let the scumbag use you to keep up appearances. We know that Velma is really the one you want, and that scares you. Don't deny it anymore. We see how you avoid her... being careful to never go anywhere with her alone for fear of what might happen. You even went so far as to wait for her to leave the group before you came back. It's time you faced the facts -- tell her how you feel... hook up... send us a video.

D. YOU ARE: Fred

Okay asshole, the jig is up. We know what you're all about. You play the part of the macho stud, but you don't deliver the goods when you're alone with Velma or Daphne. Some folks out there make a pretty good case that you're gay, but you don't even try to hump Shaggy -- hell, you don't even try to make it with the dog! The only option that leaves is that you're a fucking pedophile.

Don't try to talk your way out of this one, pal -- I did some checking. You didn't leave the gang voluntarily, you got pinched in a vice sting soliciting an underage prostitute. You spent all those years you were away choking on a long brown one in prison.

As a matter of fact, I saw you hanging out at the playground yesterday, you sick bastard. I'm calling your parole officer!

E. YOU ARE: Scrappy-Doo

Even though you're quite possibly the most annoying little fuck known to mankind, you're probably the only one in the gang who is actually interested in solving mysteries. Face it -- Shaggy and Scooby are too busy getting high, stuffing their faces, and humping each other. Velma is too into Fred. Fred is too busy cruising in the Mystery Machine for young children. And Daphne is just... there.

Even though you've been on the receiving end of a lot of shit over the years, we realize now that you were really the only serious researcher in the group, and you did the right thing by leaving the gang and watching it implode. My research shows that you changed your name, started another group, and did pretty well for yourself after you left.

Congratulations, Jason, on the success you have had with TAPS.

When Ghost Pics Jumped the Shark

Okay, for anyone out there who's been living on the moon for the last ten years, "jumping the shark" is a phrase made famous by Jon Hein of http://www.jumptheshark.com/. It refers to the exact moment that something (usually a TV show, but it can be anything) went to shit. It comes from the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie jumped over a tank full of sharks on water skis (the Fonz, not the sharks, dumb-ass), which some mark as the very instant that the show went to Hell in a handbasket.

This proves that even an average schmuck with a lame-ass idea can contribute to the greatness of the English language. Hats off to you, my friend -- may the predators of the deep never pass beneath your slats.

So what's that got to do with ghost pics? Let me spell it out to you:

Way-cool ghost pic	Suck-ass orb pic

Way-cool ghost pic	Suck-ass ecto pic

Way-cool ghost pic	Suck-ass vortex pic

So what gives? How in the hell did we go from getting muy bueno apparitions to going apeshit over tiny little light-balls?

Maybe it's because we want something to show for our ass going numb from sitting on a cold, damp tombstone for six hours with our camera in one hand and our dick in the other. Maybe after looking through six-thousand photos with nothing in them, that camera strap looks pretty good.

Okay, okay... I realize that some of those pics really are anomalous, so don't give me any bullshit. I know that there are a lot of folks out there who don't smoke or use camera straps when they're out investigating. I'm not saying those pics aren't real. I'm just saying they suck.

But when was that pivotal moment when ghost photos went from being ultra-cool, leather-jacket-wearing hipsters standing there with dumb-ass expressions on their faces while the studio audience cheered, applauded, and came in their pants; to being has-been nobodys courageously allowing their stunt doubles to risk becoming shark shit in hopes of being relevant once again?

Here it is:

Yeppers. This is it. This is the photo that showed all would-be ghost hunters that apparitions were hazy, vaguely human-shaped forms; and not the clear, detailed, and obviously-human images that we thought they were. Ever since then, this photo has been the standard that all apparitions are held to. And if they're better, well, they must not be real. And for part of it, we can thank a few Victorian-era con men who cranked out hundreds of bogus "spirit photoghaphs" that they used to bilk gullible, inbred, and somewhat-fucktarded socialites out of their family fortunes.

But what has happened since then is that anyone who comes up with something better gets a ration of shit from so-called "serious paranormal investigators" who are quick to alledge fraud, but slow to get off their sorry, lazy asses (which might accidentally cause their fucking head to slip out of it, and we can't have that now, can we?) and either debunk or authenticate the photo using the same methodical, scientific processes that they claim to use for their own investigations.

And if you need proof, you need look no further than right here:

Photo ©Ghost Research Society

This little gem was caught back in the early '90s by the Ghost Research Society (http://www.ghostresearch.com/), a credible, experienced group as far as I can tell. But this photo (and as a result, GSR's credibility)has had the holy livin' shit beat out of it over the years, dissed and dismissed by morons with no other argument than, "it's too good". Should I maybe be a little skeptical because it's so good? Sure. Should I go around saying that it's fake without even looking into it? Hell no! But that doesn't stop some people...

"Why, it's obviously human -- it can't be real!"
"It's perfectly transparent, which means it's a hoax!"
"It's obviously a fake! It's just too fucking good to be true!"

Okay. It's good. That means it can't be the real deal. Nice thinking, fellas. You're way smarter than the rest of us.

And since the time when this picture was released, we really haven't seen a lot of apparition pics out there. At least not from ghost hunters. From regular folks, yes. From surveillance video, sure. But not from the people who go around looking for this sort of thing. Could it be that people are afraid to release their best stuff because they're intimidated by what everyone else might say? I mean, the word is out there -- release a decent apparition photo and your credibility will be shot.

If I'm right, that means that a lot of folks have some of their best evidence hidden away in a file cabinet, where it will never see the light of day.

And if I'm right, then maybe it's not ghost photos who have jumped the shark.

Maybe it's ghost hunters.

---

COPYRIGHT NOTES: The suck-ass orb pic is mine. If you decide to steal it and call it your own, I don't give a shit. It's not real anyway. The suck-ass ecto and vortex pics were shamelessly ripped from the web and posted here without permission. They're not real either. It was bad enough that I was ripping their pics, I didn't want to piss anyone off by calling their "authentic" pics suck-ass. The GRS ghost girl pic is real, and it belongs to them. I guess you could rip it and claim it as your own -- it's a free country -- but you'd look like an idiot because everyone's already seen it. It is also posted here without permission -- if anyone at GRS doesn't like it being here, just fire off an e-mail letting me know (from your GRS e-mail account please, so that I know that it's you and not some zit-faced 13-year-old asshat who thinks he's being clever), and I'll toss it. Thanks.

Ghost Hunting: Ten Rules to Live And Die By

Okay, the last thing we want is a bunch of jackasses running around, calling themselves ghost hunters, and spoiling our credibility. With all of the attention that ghost hunting has had recently, there are a lot of folks out there who are new to the hobby and really don't know what they're doing.

So as a service to those people who are new to the hobby, and to the old hands who are bothered by all of the newbies, I offer ten rules that all serious investigators must follow. Once you have memorized these ten rules and the solid reasoning behind them, then you, too, can wear the badge of Ghost Hunter with pride.

#1. ALWAYS GET PERMISSION: Even though it's a bit disconcerting to have a shotgun with a hair-trigger stuck in your face by an old-timer with hands shaking from Parkinson's Disease, that's not the real reason behind this rule. And that's social responsibility. You see, asking permission to investigate a site and notifying the authorities will cause the police to divert valuable resources to keep an eye on your group in order to make sure you're not up to some kind of fuckery, and away from keeping an eye out for burglars and car prowlers. This makes it easier for those in need to procure car stereos, DVD players, and the like. This serves to alleviate poverty, thereby helping to make your community a better place.

#2. NEVER GHOST HUNT ALONE: Always have someone with you during an investigation. This ensures that when you're wandering around in pitch darkeness and picking your nose, there will always be someone right behind you to capture the moment on an infra-red cam. This footage will then find a special place on the group's website -- remember: content is everything!

#3. NEVER SMOKE DURING AN INVESTIGATION: The argument that smoke might be confused for "mist" or "ecto" is fine, but a better reason is to eliminate fear of the paranormal. When you're wandering around in the dark with a smoker who is jonesing for his his next fix, you're going to be more afraid of him than of any ghost you might encounter. A ghost might try to pop up and scare you, but a nicotine addict going through withdrawals...? Hell, you never know what we're gonna do.

#4. ALWAYS CARPOOL: It's always a good idea to meet up somewhere and share a ride to a location. Having twenty cars parked outside the investigation is a bad thing. This might attract the local youths looking for a kegger. This rule is especially important if the location being investigated is an isolated area outdoors -- the hooligans will assume that one or two cars are inhabited by young couples making out (just remember that any recordings of voices saying, "Go for it, dude -- lay that pipe! WHOOOOO!" are not EVP). But if the place looks like a used car lot... it's kegger time. Since most ghost hunters are... oh, how do I put this delicately... nerds, the last place we want to be is a cemetery full of liquored-up frat boys. That's a recipe
for disaster.

#5. ALWAYS INVESTIGATE AT NIGHT: Ever listen to a daytime EVP recording, volume cranked up to 11, with cars passing by and jets flying overhead? It ain't pretty. Besides that, investigating at night seriously increases the "creep factor". Did the Ghostbusters do their thing in broad daylight? How about Scooby Doo? I thought not.

#6. ALWAYS CARRY ID: If you thought that being a ghost hunter surrounded by frat boys was bad, try being a ghost hunter surrounded by inmates. The phrase, "That's right -- I took pictures of ghosts! And I ain't sorry! I'll do it again, too..." won't get you any props from the homedogs. And since you were probably busted sometime around midnight, there's a pretty good chance that you'll be in court, standing tall before The Man... or blubbering like a sissy, begging for leniency... before the cops can verify your identity. By the way, Bubba sends his love.

#7. NEVER HORSE AROUND: A scar on your forehead from a football injury is a great way to impress chicks. A scar on your forehead from cracking your gourd on a tombstone is not. And most of us can't pass for football players, so lying about your injury is not an option.

#8. ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER BEFORE AND AFTER: I've never seen the hand of God reach down to save our sorry asses when the shit hit the fan, but saying a prayer before an investigation gives us a false sense of security and a warm, fuzzy feeling. Likewise, saying a prayer afterward probably doesn't do a damn bit of good, either. Chances are pretty good that the ghosts are fine and happy right where they are, so why would they follow us home? But if it makes us feel good, then what the hell.

#9. ALWAYS LEAVE THE AREA IF YOU'RE AFRAID: Because we don't need any sissies hanging around and spoiling our investigation.

#10. NEVER SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD: There's a trend among ghost hunters these days to start talking smack to a ghost in hopes of getting it to do something. This is a really bad idea. So, you called it's mother a whore and got a nice little orb shot, huh? Well let's hope that tomorrow you don't choke on a chicken bone or some shit, because then you'll be right there in its back yard! That little orb pic you got ain't gonna mean jack-diddly-shit when you're hauling ass across the ether, being run down like a dog by an entity you've seriously pissed off. An entity with enough juice to reach across the very planes of existence, I might add. This guy can't get over the fact that 150 years ago someone put a noose around his neck -- do you really think he doesn't carry a grudge for some dumbass talking trash about his mom last night?!? Good luck, Orb-boy. You'll need it.

Residual Hauntings: Straight Dope, or Pure Bullshit?

Awrighty, boys 'n' girls. I'm fixing to take one of our most beloved notions, beat the shit out of it, and see if it twitches. That notion is what we call "residual hauntings".

You see, it seems that some ghosts just won't cooperate with us. We try to get EVP by asking what their name is, and we get shit like "your mom has a nice ass" for an answer. We take a gander at mom's posterior, which long ago lost the battle with gravity (and a lifetime of devouring chocolate eclairs by the truckload), and we wonder what the fuck he's talking about. Sometimes we get lucky and see the ghost, dressed up in period costume, and in spite of our best efforts -- hooting, hollering, waving our arms, and generally acting like idiots trying to get its attention -- the bastard won't even look at us.

So long ago, some egghead decided that some hauntings must be "residual" -- the world is one big giant tape recorder, and can capture sounds and three-dimensional images whenever the stars are aligned right or some shit. My guess is that was sometime back in the '60s, probably between bong hits. But anyway, word got around and it became gospel.

Some folks took the idea and ran with it, coming up with such Kozmic Koncepts like certain building materials being able to store "residual energy" (nevermind the fact that many so-called "residual hauntings" happen outdoors).

I dunno about you guys, but I don't like the idea that what I'm doing is somehow being recorded. I don't like to think that today someone living in my childhood home could walk into my old bedroom and catch me jacking off. It was hard enough not to get caught when it was for real. And why don't we see shit like that? Why do "residual hauntings" always seem to be doing something important, like dying?!? Why don't we see them in their boxers on the couch, scratching their balls? Why do we see them dancing, kissing, and holding each other, but never doing the nasty? Have you ever heard a ghost fart? It just boggles the mind.

Anyway, the bottom line on this way of thinking is that since the ghost doesn't acknowledge us, or doesn't act the way we think it should, it must not be intelligent.

But... I've known people who ignored me. Those people are called assholes. And I've known people who couldn't hold a rational conversation. Those people are called nut-jobs. So just because a ghost acts that way doesn't mean it's not intelligent -- it could mean that it's a dickhead, or just fucking whacked.

Then there's my personal favorite -- the "time loop" theory. The ghost is stuck in an endless cycle, repeating the same actions over and over again to infinity. Maybe ghosts live in a state where time doesn't exist? Okay, maybe, but why do we see ghosts from the past but not the future? Why don't we see spacemen? My forehead just ain't big enough to tackle that one.

Maybe it makes sense. Picture this -- some poor schmuck at Gettysburg gets plugged in the head, and the last thing to go through his mind (after the bullet) is that he should have staggered left instead of rolling right. If only he could go back and do it again... and then... *POW*!! There he is again, a few seconds before he got capped -- but without knowing what was about to happen. He would always roll right, time and time again, because that seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

So. Does the fact that a ghost ignores us mean it's mindless? Hell no. I'm sure that most of you ghost hunters out there have come across a celestial asshole or two. When it says mom has a nice ass in spite of the fact that it's the size of a Mack truck and has its own zip code, does that mean it's brainless? Nope. It means it's fucking insane. Maybe they just don't give a rat's ass and couldn't care less about what we're doing or what we think.

But after everything I've said, does that mean that everyone else is full of shit and I'm the only one who knows The Truth?

Hell, I dunno.

I guess it's still twitching.

Five Good Reasons Why Orbs Suck!

Perhaps nothing in the world of the paranormal is as revered and as reviled as the humble orb. This unassuming ball of light has singlehandedly split the paranormal community, causing strife between its adoring fans and its rancorous critics -- a civil war waged across the internet, ranging from drive-by forum postings to apocalyptic usenet warfare.

Thus the nefarious orb has shed its mask of benign luminosity and laid bare its true nature -- A FLAMING ARCHITECT OF WAR!!!!

Here then is my attempt to unseat my spheroid nemesis from its lofty throne and kick it back into the cesspool from whence it came. I present to you....

Five Good Reasons Why Orbs Suck!

#1. IT'S PROBABLY DUST: Or pollen, or rain, or snow, or lens flare, or a mosquito, or a booger on the camera lens, or... well, you get it. And even if it's not, it's still just a fucking orb. 'Nuff said.

#2. ORBS PROVE NOTHING: Okay, so you caught an orb on camera. Ask yourself: What does it mean? Is the place haunted? Is it a ghost? Whose ghost is it? What does it want? Where is it from? The inscrutable orb keeps its secrets to itself, and laughs at you maniacally from its two-dimensional Kodachrome lair.

#3. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK: Orbs only matter to the person who took the picture. Period. If someone looks at one of your orb shots and tells you how great it is, they're lying to you. They're not your friend. In fact, they're probably screwing your significant other while you're out ghost hunting. Think about it.

#4. ORBS ARE FUCKING BORING: The reason no one cares about orbs is because they're BORING. A little ball of light -- whoopee. Big fucking deal. Now, if the orbs happen to be dangling beneath the flaming apparition of Satan's barbed penis... then I'll be impressed.

#5. ORBS ARE LIKE MASTURBATION: If you get your panties in a bunch over an orb shot, that means you struck out and now you're making do. Someone might say: "I spent all night in the cemetery, and even though I didn't get an apparition, I got an orb! AN ORB!!" But what they're really saying is: "I had a girl over at my house, and even though I didn't get laid, she left a pubic hair on the toilet seat! A PUBE!!" Pathetic. And creepy.