Ghost Hunting: Ten Rules to Live And Die By

Okay, the last thing we want is a bunch of jackasses running around, calling themselves ghost hunters, and spoiling our credibility. With all of the attention that ghost hunting has had recently, there are a lot of folks out there who are new to the hobby and really don't know what they're doing.

So as a service to those people who are new to the hobby, and to the old hands who are bothered by all of the newbies, I offer ten rules that all serious investigators must follow. Once you have memorized these ten rules and the solid reasoning behind them, then you, too, can wear the badge of Ghost Hunter with pride.

#1. ALWAYS GET PERMISSION: Even though it's a bit disconcerting to have a shotgun with a hair-trigger stuck in your face by an old-timer with hands shaking from Parkinson's Disease, that's not the real reason behind this rule. And that's social responsibility. You see, asking permission to investigate a site and notifying the authorities will cause the police to divert valuable resources to keep an eye on your group in order to make sure you're not up to some kind of fuckery, and away from keeping an eye out for burglars and car prowlers. This makes it easier for those in need to procure car stereos, DVD players, and the like. This serves to alleviate poverty, thereby helping to make your community a better place.

#2. NEVER GHOST HUNT ALONE: Always have someone with you during an investigation. This ensures that when you're wandering around in pitch darkeness and picking your nose, there will always be someone right behind you to capture the moment on an infra-red cam. This footage will then find a special place on the group's website -- remember: content is everything!

#3. NEVER SMOKE DURING AN INVESTIGATION: The argument that smoke might be confused for "mist" or "ecto" is fine, but a better reason is to eliminate fear of the paranormal. When you're wandering around in the dark with a smoker who is jonesing for his his next fix, you're going to be more afraid of him than of any ghost you might encounter. A ghost might try to pop up and scare you, but a nicotine addict going through withdrawals...? Hell, you never know what we're gonna do.

#4. ALWAYS CARPOOL: It's always a good idea to meet up somewhere and share a ride to a location. Having twenty cars parked outside the investigation is a bad thing. This might attract the local youths looking for a kegger. This rule is especially important if the location being investigated is an isolated area outdoors -- the hooligans will assume that one or two cars are inhabited by young couples making out (just remember that any recordings of voices saying, "Go for it, dude -- lay that pipe! WHOOOOO!" are not EVP). But if the place looks like a used car lot... it's kegger time. Since most ghost hunters are... oh, how do I put this delicately... nerds, the last place we want to be is a cemetery full of liquored-up frat boys. That's a recipe
for disaster.

#5. ALWAYS INVESTIGATE AT NIGHT: Ever listen to a daytime EVP recording, volume cranked up to 11, with cars passing by and jets flying overhead? It ain't pretty. Besides that, investigating at night seriously increases the "creep factor". Did the Ghostbusters do their thing in broad daylight? How about Scooby Doo? I thought not.

#6. ALWAYS CARRY ID: If you thought that being a ghost hunter surrounded by frat boys was bad, try being a ghost hunter surrounded by inmates. The phrase, "That's right -- I took pictures of ghosts! And I ain't sorry! I'll do it again, too..." won't get you any props from the homedogs. And since you were probably busted sometime around midnight, there's a pretty good chance that you'll be in court, standing tall before The Man... or blubbering like a sissy, begging for leniency... before the cops can verify your identity. By the way, Bubba sends his love.

#7. NEVER HORSE AROUND: A scar on your forehead from a football injury is a great way to impress chicks. A scar on your forehead from cracking your gourd on a tombstone is not. And most of us can't pass for football players, so lying about your injury is not an option.

#8. ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER BEFORE AND AFTER: I've never seen the hand of God reach down to save our sorry asses when the shit hit the fan, but saying a prayer before an investigation gives us a false sense of security and a warm, fuzzy feeling. Likewise, saying a prayer afterward probably doesn't do a damn bit of good, either. Chances are pretty good that the ghosts are fine and happy right where they are, so why would they follow us home? But if it makes us feel good, then what the hell.

#9. ALWAYS LEAVE THE AREA IF YOU'RE AFRAID: Because we don't need any sissies hanging around and spoiling our investigation.

#10. NEVER SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD: There's a trend among ghost hunters these days to start talking smack to a ghost in hopes of getting it to do something. This is a really bad idea. So, you called it's mother a whore and got a nice little orb shot, huh? Well let's hope that tomorrow you don't choke on a chicken bone or some shit, because then you'll be right there in its back yard! That little orb pic you got ain't gonna mean jack-diddly-shit when you're hauling ass across the ether, being run down like a dog by an entity you've seriously pissed off. An entity with enough juice to reach across the very planes of existence, I might add. This guy can't get over the fact that 150 years ago someone put a noose around his neck -- do you really think he doesn't carry a grudge for some dumbass talking trash about his mom last night?!? Good luck, Orb-boy. You'll need it.

Residual Hauntings: Straight Dope, or Pure Bullshit?

Awrighty, boys 'n' girls. I'm fixing to take one of our most beloved notions, beat the shit out of it, and see if it twitches. That notion is what we call "residual hauntings".

You see, it seems that some ghosts just won't cooperate with us. We try to get EVP by asking what their name is, and we get shit like "your mom has a nice ass" for an answer. We take a gander at mom's posterior, which long ago lost the battle with gravity (and a lifetime of devouring chocolate eclairs by the truckload), and we wonder what the fuck he's talking about. Sometimes we get lucky and see the ghost, dressed up in period costume, and in spite of our best efforts -- hooting, hollering, waving our arms, and generally acting like idiots trying to get its attention -- the bastard won't even look at us.

So long ago, some egghead decided that some hauntings must be "residual" -- the world is one big giant tape recorder, and can capture sounds and three-dimensional images whenever the stars are aligned right or some shit. My guess is that was sometime back in the '60s, probably between bong hits. But anyway, word got around and it became gospel.

Some folks took the idea and ran with it, coming up with such Kozmic Koncepts like certain building materials being able to store "residual energy" (nevermind the fact that many so-called "residual hauntings" happen outdoors).

I dunno about you guys, but I don't like the idea that what I'm doing is somehow being recorded. I don't like to think that today someone living in my childhood home could walk into my old bedroom and catch me jacking off. It was hard enough not to get caught when it was for real. And why don't we see shit like that? Why do "residual hauntings" always seem to be doing something important, like dying?!? Why don't we see them in their boxers on the couch, scratching their balls? Why do we see them dancing, kissing, and holding each other, but never doing the nasty? Have you ever heard a ghost fart? It just boggles the mind.

Anyway, the bottom line on this way of thinking is that since the ghost doesn't acknowledge us, or doesn't act the way we think it should, it must not be intelligent.

But... I've known people who ignored me. Those people are called assholes. And I've known people who couldn't hold a rational conversation. Those people are called nut-jobs. So just because a ghost acts that way doesn't mean it's not intelligent -- it could mean that it's a dickhead, or just fucking whacked.

Then there's my personal favorite -- the "time loop" theory. The ghost is stuck in an endless cycle, repeating the same actions over and over again to infinity. Maybe ghosts live in a state where time doesn't exist? Okay, maybe, but why do we see ghosts from the past but not the future? Why don't we see spacemen? My forehead just ain't big enough to tackle that one.

Maybe it makes sense. Picture this -- some poor schmuck at Gettysburg gets plugged in the head, and the last thing to go through his mind (after the bullet) is that he should have staggered left instead of rolling right. If only he could go back and do it again... and then... *POW*!! There he is again, a few seconds before he got capped -- but without knowing what was about to happen. He would always roll right, time and time again, because that seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

So. Does the fact that a ghost ignores us mean it's mindless? Hell no. I'm sure that most of you ghost hunters out there have come across a celestial asshole or two. When it says mom has a nice ass in spite of the fact that it's the size of a Mack truck and has its own zip code, does that mean it's brainless? Nope. It means it's fucking insane. Maybe they just don't give a rat's ass and couldn't care less about what we're doing or what we think.

But after everything I've said, does that mean that everyone else is full of shit and I'm the only one who knows The Truth?

Hell, I dunno.

I guess it's still twitching.

Five Good Reasons Why Orbs Suck!

Perhaps nothing in the world of the paranormal is as revered and as reviled as the humble orb. This unassuming ball of light has singlehandedly split the paranormal community, causing strife between its adoring fans and its rancorous critics -- a civil war waged across the internet, ranging from drive-by forum postings to apocalyptic usenet warfare.

Thus the nefarious orb has shed its mask of benign luminosity and laid bare its true nature -- A FLAMING ARCHITECT OF WAR!!!!

Here then is my attempt to unseat my spheroid nemesis from its lofty throne and kick it back into the cesspool from whence it came. I present to you....

Five Good Reasons Why Orbs Suck!

#1. IT'S PROBABLY DUST: Or pollen, or rain, or snow, or lens flare, or a mosquito, or a booger on the camera lens, or... well, you get it. And even if it's not, it's still just a fucking orb. 'Nuff said.

#2. ORBS PROVE NOTHING: Okay, so you caught an orb on camera. Ask yourself: What does it mean? Is the place haunted? Is it a ghost? Whose ghost is it? What does it want? Where is it from? The inscrutable orb keeps its secrets to itself, and laughs at you maniacally from its two-dimensional Kodachrome lair.

#3. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK: Orbs only matter to the person who took the picture. Period. If someone looks at one of your orb shots and tells you how great it is, they're lying to you. They're not your friend. In fact, they're probably screwing your significant other while you're out ghost hunting. Think about it.

#4. ORBS ARE FUCKING BORING: The reason no one cares about orbs is because they're BORING. A little ball of light -- whoopee. Big fucking deal. Now, if the orbs happen to be dangling beneath the flaming apparition of Satan's barbed penis... then I'll be impressed.

#5. ORBS ARE LIKE MASTURBATION: If you get your panties in a bunch over an orb shot, that means you struck out and now you're making do. Someone might say: "I spent all night in the cemetery, and even though I didn't get an apparition, I got an orb! AN ORB!!" But what they're really saying is: "I had a girl over at my house, and even though I didn't get laid, she left a pubic hair on the toilet seat! A PUBE!!" Pathetic. And creepy.