Ghost Hunting: Ten Rules to Live And Die By

Okay, the last thing we want is a bunch of jackasses running around, calling themselves ghost hunters, and spoiling our credibility. With all of the attention that ghost hunting has had recently, there are a lot of folks out there who are new to the hobby and really don't know what they're doing.

So as a service to those people who are new to the hobby, and to the old hands who are bothered by all of the newbies, I offer ten rules that all serious investigators must follow. Once you have memorized these ten rules and the solid reasoning behind them, then you, too, can wear the badge of Ghost Hunter with pride.

#1. ALWAYS GET PERMISSION: Even though it's a bit disconcerting to have a shotgun with a hair-trigger stuck in your face by an old-timer with hands shaking from Parkinson's Disease, that's not the real reason behind this rule. And that's social responsibility. You see, asking permission to investigate a site and notifying the authorities will cause the police to divert valuable resources to keep an eye on your group in order to make sure you're not up to some kind of fuckery, and away from keeping an eye out for burglars and car prowlers. This makes it easier for those in need to procure car stereos, DVD players, and the like. This serves to alleviate poverty, thereby helping to make your community a better place.

#2. NEVER GHOST HUNT ALONE: Always have someone with you during an investigation. This ensures that when you're wandering around in pitch darkeness and picking your nose, there will always be someone right behind you to capture the moment on an infra-red cam. This footage will then find a special place on the group's website -- remember: content is everything!

#3. NEVER SMOKE DURING AN INVESTIGATION: The argument that smoke might be confused for "mist" or "ecto" is fine, but a better reason is to eliminate fear of the paranormal. When you're wandering around in the dark with a smoker who is jonesing for his his next fix, you're going to be more afraid of him than of any ghost you might encounter. A ghost might try to pop up and scare you, but a nicotine addict going through withdrawals...? Hell, you never know what we're gonna do.

#4. ALWAYS CARPOOL: It's always a good idea to meet up somewhere and share a ride to a location. Having twenty cars parked outside the investigation is a bad thing. This might attract the local youths looking for a kegger. This rule is especially important if the location being investigated is an isolated area outdoors -- the hooligans will assume that one or two cars are inhabited by young couples making out (just remember that any recordings of voices saying, "Go for it, dude -- lay that pipe! WHOOOOO!" are not EVP). But if the place looks like a used car lot... it's kegger time. Since most ghost hunters are... oh, how do I put this delicately... nerds, the last place we want to be is a cemetery full of liquored-up frat boys. That's a recipe
for disaster.

#5. ALWAYS INVESTIGATE AT NIGHT: Ever listen to a daytime EVP recording, volume cranked up to 11, with cars passing by and jets flying overhead? It ain't pretty. Besides that, investigating at night seriously increases the "creep factor". Did the Ghostbusters do their thing in broad daylight? How about Scooby Doo? I thought not.

#6. ALWAYS CARRY ID: If you thought that being a ghost hunter surrounded by frat boys was bad, try being a ghost hunter surrounded by inmates. The phrase, "That's right -- I took pictures of ghosts! And I ain't sorry! I'll do it again, too..." won't get you any props from the homedogs. And since you were probably busted sometime around midnight, there's a pretty good chance that you'll be in court, standing tall before The Man... or blubbering like a sissy, begging for leniency... before the cops can verify your identity. By the way, Bubba sends his love.

#7. NEVER HORSE AROUND: A scar on your forehead from a football injury is a great way to impress chicks. A scar on your forehead from cracking your gourd on a tombstone is not. And most of us can't pass for football players, so lying about your injury is not an option.

#8. ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER BEFORE AND AFTER: I've never seen the hand of God reach down to save our sorry asses when the shit hit the fan, but saying a prayer before an investigation gives us a false sense of security and a warm, fuzzy feeling. Likewise, saying a prayer afterward probably doesn't do a damn bit of good, either. Chances are pretty good that the ghosts are fine and happy right where they are, so why would they follow us home? But if it makes us feel good, then what the hell.

#9. ALWAYS LEAVE THE AREA IF YOU'RE AFRAID: Because we don't need any sissies hanging around and spoiling our investigation.

#10. NEVER SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD: There's a trend among ghost hunters these days to start talking smack to a ghost in hopes of getting it to do something. This is a really bad idea. So, you called it's mother a whore and got a nice little orb shot, huh? Well let's hope that tomorrow you don't choke on a chicken bone or some shit, because then you'll be right there in its back yard! That little orb pic you got ain't gonna mean jack-diddly-shit when you're hauling ass across the ether, being run down like a dog by an entity you've seriously pissed off. An entity with enough juice to reach across the very planes of existence, I might add. This guy can't get over the fact that 150 years ago someone put a noose around his neck -- do you really think he doesn't carry a grudge for some dumbass talking trash about his mom last night?!? Good luck, Orb-boy. You'll need it.