Residual Hauntings: Straight Dope, or Pure Bullshit?

Awrighty, boys 'n' girls. I'm fixing to take one of our most beloved notions, beat the shit out of it, and see if it twitches. That notion is what we call "residual hauntings".

You see, it seems that some ghosts just won't cooperate with us. We try to get EVP by asking what their name is, and we get shit like "your mom has a nice ass" for an answer. We take a gander at mom's posterior, which long ago lost the battle with gravity (and a lifetime of devouring chocolate eclairs by the truckload), and we wonder what the fuck he's talking about. Sometimes we get lucky and see the ghost, dressed up in period costume, and in spite of our best efforts -- hooting, hollering, waving our arms, and generally acting like idiots trying to get its attention -- the bastard won't even look at us.

So long ago, some egghead decided that some hauntings must be "residual" -- the world is one big giant tape recorder, and can capture sounds and three-dimensional images whenever the stars are aligned right or some shit. My guess is that was sometime back in the '60s, probably between bong hits. But anyway, word got around and it became gospel.

Some folks took the idea and ran with it, coming up with such Kozmic Koncepts like certain building materials being able to store "residual energy" (nevermind the fact that many so-called "residual hauntings" happen outdoors).

I dunno about you guys, but I don't like the idea that what I'm doing is somehow being recorded. I don't like to think that today someone living in my childhood home could walk into my old bedroom and catch me jacking off. It was hard enough not to get caught when it was for real. And why don't we see shit like that? Why do "residual hauntings" always seem to be doing something important, like dying?!? Why don't we see them in their boxers on the couch, scratching their balls? Why do we see them dancing, kissing, and holding each other, but never doing the nasty? Have you ever heard a ghost fart? It just boggles the mind.

Anyway, the bottom line on this way of thinking is that since the ghost doesn't acknowledge us, or doesn't act the way we think it should, it must not be intelligent.

But... I've known people who ignored me. Those people are called assholes. And I've known people who couldn't hold a rational conversation. Those people are called nut-jobs. So just because a ghost acts that way doesn't mean it's not intelligent -- it could mean that it's a dickhead, or just fucking whacked.

Then there's my personal favorite -- the "time loop" theory. The ghost is stuck in an endless cycle, repeating the same actions over and over again to infinity. Maybe ghosts live in a state where time doesn't exist? Okay, maybe, but why do we see ghosts from the past but not the future? Why don't we see spacemen? My forehead just ain't big enough to tackle that one.

Maybe it makes sense. Picture this -- some poor schmuck at Gettysburg gets plugged in the head, and the last thing to go through his mind (after the bullet) is that he should have staggered left instead of rolling right. If only he could go back and do it again... and then... *POW*!! There he is again, a few seconds before he got capped -- but without knowing what was about to happen. He would always roll right, time and time again, because that seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

So. Does the fact that a ghost ignores us mean it's mindless? Hell no. I'm sure that most of you ghost hunters out there have come across a celestial asshole or two. When it says mom has a nice ass in spite of the fact that it's the size of a Mack truck and has its own zip code, does that mean it's brainless? Nope. It means it's fucking insane. Maybe they just don't give a rat's ass and couldn't care less about what we're doing or what we think.

But after everything I've said, does that mean that everyone else is full of shit and I'm the only one who knows The Truth?

Hell, I dunno.

I guess it's still twitching.