Scooby-Doo: Who Are You?

Okay guys 'n' gals, here's a little test to see what Scooby-Doo character you are. Don't give me any bullshit about Scooby-Doo not influencing you to be a ghost hunter, it has been scientifically proven beyond a doubt that all ghost hunters are Scooby-Doo fans. You're a liar if you deny it.

So grab a piece of paper (yes, this is a low-tech test -- no fancy-schmancy javascript here, my friends) and keep track of your answers. Answer each question honestly! Don't try to base your answers on who you want to be -- we all know that everyone wants to be Shaggy and no one wants to be Fred, but I spent a lot of time coming up with this test. So don't fuck with me.

1) If most of the members leave my group, I will probably:
a. Stay with the group no matter what.
b. Stay with the group for a little while, then leave.
c. Leave the group, but come back in a little while.
d. Leave the group, but come back in a long while.
e. Leave the group and never come back.

2) When investigating a house, my favorite place to hang out is:
a. The kitchen
b. The study
c. The bathroom
d. The bedroom
e. Wherever the ghosts are

3) When paranormal activity occurs, I:
a. Try to do my job, even though I'm scared shitless.
b. Ignore it while I check the readings on my equipment.
c. Hang out and do my thing without getting in anyone's way.
d. Make sure that everyone is okay, and that they're doing what they're supposed to.
e. Challenge the ghost to show itself, and if it does, approach it.

4) I like ghost hunting because it's a great way to:
a. Hang out with my friends.
b. Learn about the paranormal.
c. Meet people.
d. Meet members of the opposite sex.
e. See a ghost.

5) When choosing a partner for an investigation, I:
a. Always choose my best friend.
b. Don't have a preference who I investigate with.
c. Choose only members of the opposite sex.
d. Choose only the hottest member of the opposite sex.
e. Tag along with whoever will tolerate me.

6) My greatest strength as a ghost hunter is my:
a. Loyalty
b. Knowledge
c. Composure
d. Leadership
e. Enthusiasm

7) My greatest weakness as a ghost hunter is:
a. Under-skepticism.
b. A physical limitation.
c. Lack of initiative.
d. Over-skepticism.
e. Sometimes being a little too enthusiastic.

8) The number one rule of ghost hunting is:
a. Don't take unnecessary chances.
b. Always research the location thoroughly.
c. Never go anywhere alone.
d. Always have a thorough plan for your investigation.
e. Getting evidence is what's important. Everything else is secondary.

9) Of the following, the most important piece of gear to take on an investigation is:
a. A flashlight.
b. A laptop.
c. A camera.
d. A first aid kit.
e. Myself.

10) If I were a type of haunting, I would be:
a. A poltergeist.
b. An intelligent entity.
c. A residual haunting.
d. Screwed.
e. A demonic entity.

Okay, now tally up all of your "A" answers, all of your "B" answers, etc. and see what you have the most of -- that tells what character you are.

If you have a tie, then you're in luck -- you can choose either one of the two. Or you can be even luckier -- you're none of them. You can even be Scooby-Dum if you want, which would still put you a step ahead of the rest of the poor, suffering bastards who took this test.

A. YOU ARE: Shaggy & Scooby

You are bestest buddies of one mind and one soul. A better way to say it would be to call you a "couple", but that's too twisted for even me to contemplate. There's no doubt that you're a stoner, always noshing on hash brownies like you do (you're not fooling anyone with that "Scooby Snack" bullshit -- we know what they are), and one day it's going to catch up with you. If it wasn't for the rest of the gang paying your bills and supporting your habit, you'd be on a street corner giving blowjobs for pocket change.

Maybe one day you'll go into rehab, and when it's over you'll realize that your best friend (and possible lover) is a fucking dog.

B. YOU ARE: Velma

There's no doubt that you're uglier than dog shit, and the fact that even a strung-out canophile like Shaggy won't screw you is proof of that. And don't even think about Fred -- you're not his type (more on that later). You try to make yourself look hot by wearing the shortest skirt you can find, but then you fuck it all up by wearing those socks that go halfway up to your crotch. So much for genius.

Yeah, you are smart. And that's why the rest of the gang keeps you around. You're the one who is always coming up with the plans and putting all the clues together, but you're always letting Fred and the others take the credit for it in your pathetic attempt to get your hands on Fred's love-meat. If you were half as smart as you think you are, you would have already figured out that that Fred isn't interested, and even Shaggy and Scooby are "unavailable"... take my advice: cut your losses and hook up with Daphne.

C. YOU ARE: Daphne

If anyone needs to get on with their life, it's you. It's obvious that you're not really into this whole "mystery solving" thing. You take no initiative, and you don't pay attention to what you're doing -- if you were, then you wouldn't be captured and held hostage all the time. I've heard rumors that the rest of the gang is thinking about booting you from the group -- you're too much trouble for too little in return.

We know that you're not into Fred, even though you let the scumbag use you to keep up appearances. We know that Velma is really the one you want, and that scares you. Don't deny it anymore. We see how you avoid her... being careful to never go anywhere with her alone for fear of what might happen. You even went so far as to wait for her to leave the group before you came back. It's time you faced the facts -- tell her how you feel... hook up... send us a video.

D. YOU ARE: Fred

Okay asshole, the jig is up. We know what you're all about. You play the part of the macho stud, but you don't deliver the goods when you're alone with Velma or Daphne. Some folks out there make a pretty good case that you're gay, but you don't even try to hump Shaggy -- hell, you don't even try to make it with the dog! The only option that leaves is that you're a fucking pedophile.

Don't try to talk your way out of this one, pal -- I did some checking. You didn't leave the gang voluntarily, you got pinched in a vice sting soliciting an underage prostitute. You spent all those years you were away choking on a long brown one in prison.

As a matter of fact, I saw you hanging out at the playground yesterday, you sick bastard. I'm calling your parole officer!

E. YOU ARE: Scrappy-Doo

Even though you're quite possibly the most annoying little fuck known to mankind, you're probably the only one in the gang who is actually interested in solving mysteries. Face it -- Shaggy and Scooby are too busy getting high, stuffing their faces, and humping each other. Velma is too into Fred. Fred is too busy cruising in the Mystery Machine for young children. And Daphne is just... there.

Even though you've been on the receiving end of a lot of shit over the years, we realize now that you were really the only serious researcher in the group, and you did the right thing by leaving the gang and watching it implode. My research shows that you changed your name, started another group, and did pretty well for yourself after you left.

Congratulations, Jason, on the success you have had with TAPS.